What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation is the process of noticing, understanding and responding to emotions in ways that support safety, communication, relationships and participation.

Regulation does not mean that a person is always calm, happy or compliant. It includes being able to experience emotions, communicate them safely, recover from distress and seek support when it is needed.

For kindergarten-aged children, emotional regulation is still developing. A child may have the words or skills to manage a situation on one occasion but be unable to use them when tired, frightened, overwhelmed, hungry, unwell or affected by change.

Capacity changes

A child’s capacity can vary from day to day, between home and kindergarten, across relationships and environments, and according to sensory needs, communication, emotional intensity, stress, hunger, illness and significant experiences.

Self-regulation and co-regulation

Self-regulation is a person’s developing capacity to manage feelings, attention, behaviour and responses. Co-regulation occurs when another person provides the calm presence, connection, structure and support that helps someone regulate.

Young children do not develop self-regulation by being repeatedly left to manage distress alone. They develop it through repeated experiences of co-regulation with dependable adults.

Co-regulation can include noticing early signs, approaching calmly, reducing demands and language, acknowledging the child’s experience, maintaining predictable boundaries, staying nearby, helping the child communicate, offering suitable strategies and allowing time.

Co-regulation is active teaching through relationships. It is not rewarding inappropriate behaviour or removing all expectations.

If there is an immediate safety risk, intervene straight away. Once everyone is safe, return to connection, empathy and support.

Notice

Consider what happened before the behaviour, what the child may be communicating, whether emotion is beginning to build, and whether there is a physical, sensory, relational or communication need. Early signs may include withdrawal, unusual quietness, repeated adult seeking, louder speech, clenched hands, increased movement, controlling play, repetitive questions or difficulty responding to ordinary instructions.

Do not assume the same behaviour always means the same thing. Remain curious.

Connect and empathise

Empathy does not mean agreeing with an inaccurate statement, allowing unsafe behaviour or giving the child everything they want.

Name carefully

Do not insist that the interpretation is correct. A child may correct the educator, communicate differently or not want to talk. During distress, statements are usually more supportive than repeated questions.

Wait and support

Support may include remaining close, sitting quietly, reducing language and demands, providing space without isolating the child, moving to a quieter supervised area, offering water, movement or an established sensory strategy, helping the child communicate or allowing time.

Not every feeling needs to be fixed. Sometimes being understood is enough for the emotion to begin changing.

Set limits and problem-solve

Once the child is sufficiently regulated, help them consider what happened, what they needed, what could help now and whether anything needs to be repaired. Do not force an apology while a child remains distressed.

Emotion-dismissing responses minimise, avoid, punish or immediately try to remove an emotion. Adults may use these responses because they want to help, need the group to keep moving or feel uncomfortable with the emotion. The intention may be understandable, but the child can receive the message that the emotion is wrong, unsafe or unimportant.

Emotion coaching is not

• ignoring unsafe behaviour or negotiating a safety boundary;
• demanding that a distressed child explain themselves;
• forcing eye contact, physical affection, breathing or an apology;
• using a calm space as punishment or exclusion;
• labelling a child as naughty, manipulative or attention-seeking;
• expecting immediate compliance before support; or
• using a script without considering the individual child.

Why educator regulation matters

The educator’s emotional state affects voice, facial expression, body, pace, decision-making and the ability to respond thoughtfully. Children notice these signals even when adults do not state how they feel.

Being regulated does not mean never feeling frustrated, worried, sad or angry; hiding all emotion; remaining perfectly calm; coping with unreasonable demands without support; or accepting unsafe behaviour. It means recognising what is happening internally and taking safe, professional steps so emotions do not control the adult’s response.

Regulation can move through a group

A distressed child may increase an educator’s stress. The educator’s stress may then affect tone and behaviour, increasing the child’s distress. Other children may notice and respond, increasing pressure. A supported educator can also slow down, lower their voice, simplify the environment and communicate safety.

Recognise early warning signs

• Fast or shallow breathing, increased heart rate, heat, shaking or tension.
• Tight shoulders, jaw or hands.
• Speaking more loudly or quickly.
• Repeating an instruction with increasing frustration.
• An urgent need to make the child comply.
• Rigid thinking or interpreting behaviour as personal disrespect.
• Feeling helpless, angry, frightened or overwhelmed.
• Losing awareness of other children.
• Wanting to argue, threaten, punish or withdraw.
• Being unable to listen to colleagues.

Pause before responding

The pause may be only a few seconds. Place both feet on the ground, slow the exhale, relax the jaw and shoulders, lower the voice, step back slightly while maintaining supervision, use one clear sentence, ask a colleague to take over, or delay a non-urgent conversation.

Helpful internal reminders

• “The behaviour is communication.”
• “This is difficult, not personal.”
• “I do not need to solve everything immediately.”
• “Fewer words.”
• “Connect before correcting.”
• “Safety first; teaching later.”
• “I can ask for help.”
• “The boundary can be firm without my voice becoming harsh.”

Appropriate adult modelling

Adult emotions must not become the child’s responsibility. Avoid: “You’re making me angry,” “I can’t cope with you,” “You’ve ruined the day,” or “You need to calm down so I can calm down.”

When another educator should take over

A handover should occur when an educator feels unable to respond safely, notices an urge to shout, shame, threaten or handle a child roughly, cannot maintain supervision, has been injured or threatened, cannot think clearly, needs to attend to another risk, or recognises that another educator is better placed to connect.

Requesting a handover is a professional safety strategy, not a failure. Responsibility must be clearly transferred and supervision and ratio requirements must continue.

Regulation is a team responsibility

Individual strategies are important, but educator regulation cannot be treated only as an individual responsibility. Workload, staffing, noise, role clarity, team relationships, environmental demands and access to assistance affect people’s capacity.

A supportive team notices when help is needed, responds promptly to handovers, uses agreed approaches, avoids criticism in front of children, communicates relevant information, plans for pressure points, distributes responsibilities fairly, supports breaks, provides reflection and raises recurring hazards.

Team support does not remove personal accountability. Each staff member remains responsible for professional behaviour, child safety, following reasonable directions and raising concerns appropriately.

Plan before stress occurs

• Make transitions predictable and adequately staffed.
• Reduce unnecessary waiting, noise and crowding.
• Provide access to active and quieter experiences.
• Use communication supports where needed.
• Position educators to notice early signs.
• Clarify roles during high-pressure periods.
• Share known triggers and helpful strategies appropriately.
• Offer meaningful choices and agency.
• Review whether expectations are developmentally appropriate.

Regulation support should not depend solely on a designated calm corner. The whole environment, routine and pattern of relationships contribute.

Educator wellbeing and organisational controls

Emotional demands, exposure to distress, aggression, workload, poor support and unclear roles may create workplace risks. Staff must use safe strategies and raise concerns. NERPSA must identify and control workplace risks so far as reasonably practicable.

Controls may include clear roles, planned assistance, handover procedures, training, mentoring, reflective supervision, routine or environmental changes, reasonable workload, management support, incident review and EAP access.

Staff can speak with the Nominated Supervisor, relevant Education Manager, NERPSA management or Human Resources Manager; request guidance or debriefing; identify training or adjustments; access the EAP; consult a GP or mental health professional; and raise OHS concerns through the appropriate process.

Emotion coaching is for all children, but it should not look identical for every child.

Adjustments may include additional processing time, fewer spoken words, visual communication, gestures or signs, predictability, sensory adjustments, movement, access to a familiar person, culturally responsive communication, respect for differences in eye contact and proximity, collaboration with families and implementation of agreed plans.

Do not assume that a child who does not respond verbally has not heard or understood. Do not force eye contact, touch, breathing exercises or verbal emotion labels.

Everyday intentional teaching

• Name emotions naturally during play and routines.
• Discuss how story characters may feel.
• Use puppets, music, movement and dramatic play.
• Model safe ways to express disappointment or frustration.
• Notice successful communication and regulation attempts.
• Help children recognise body signals.
• Practise strategies when children are already regulated.
• Provide predictable routines and meaningful choices.
• Communicate with families about meaningful language and strategies.

A quiet child is not necessarily a regulated child. Feedback should focus on effort and strategy: “You came to find me when you needed help,” or “You told Sam you were still using it.”

NERPSA practice and accountability

Emotion coaching supports NERPSA’s commitment to ensuring that children’s safety, wellbeing, dignity, rights and best interests are paramount. It does not replace NERPSA policies, professional judgement, individual plans, active supervision or required reporting.

All staff are expected to interact respectfully, maintain dignity and rights, remain actively engaged, supervise, notice needs, use positive guidance, intervene when help is needed, follow plans and policies, communicate information, report concerns and participate in reflection and improvement.

Policy connections

National Law and Regulations

• Section 165: adequate supervision at all times.
• Section 166: no inappropriate discipline.
• Section 166A: no prohibited inappropriate conduct.
• Section 167: reasonable precautions against harm and hazards.
• Section 174: notification of prescribed matters.
• Regulation 84: awareness of child-protection law.
• Regulations 155 and 156: dignity, rights, positive guidance, responsive relationships and relationships in groups.
• Regulations 168 and 170: required policies must be in place and followed.

National Quality Standard

• Quality Area 1: child-centred, responsive and intentional educational practice.
• Quality Area 2: wellbeing, supervision, safety and child protection.
• Quality Area 4: professional standards, continuity and effective teamwork.
• Quality Area 5: responsive relationships, dignity, communication, conflict resolution and self-regulation.
• Quality Area 6: respectful partnerships with families.
• Quality Area 7: expectations, induction, leadership, support and continuous improvement.

Victorian Child Safe Standards

Emotion coaching contributes to cultural safety, embedded child safety, children’s voice and participation, family involvement, equity, suitable and supported staff, child-focused complaints, staff knowledge, safe environments, review and documented practice.

Emotion coaching does not create a new position or transfer responsibility between roles. Every employee remains responsible for their position description and child safety is shared by all staff.

Role clarity and emotional regulation

Role confusion, territorial behaviour and workplace conflict can affect educator regulation and children. Strong feelings about changed responsibilities, shared spaces, resources, appointments, feedback or different experience must be managed professionally.

Length of service does not automatically create seniority, authority or ownership over shared NERPSA spaces, resources, programs or decisions. Authority comes from the role, delegated responsibility and lawful organisational arrangements.

Staff must not allow personal reactions to cause withholding information, refusing assistance, undermining colleagues, failing to follow direction, reducing supervision, gossiping, resisting reasonable changes or allowing disagreement to affect children.

If expectations are unclear, seek clarification from the Nominated Supervisor, Responsible Person or person in day-to-day charge, Education Manager or Human Resources Manager.

Raising and reporting concerns

• Respond to immediate danger first and call 000 when emergency assistance is required.
• Report early without waiting for proof.
• Do not conduct your own investigation.
• Record what was seen, heard, said, reported and done.
• Maintain confidentiality.
• Use the appropriate NERPSA pathway.
• Understand internal reporting does not replace personal legal reporting duties.

After a difficult interaction

Reflect on what happened beforehand, what the child communicated, signs noticed or missed, what helped or increased distress, what happened internally for the educator, whether assistance was needed earlier, whether roles were clear, and whether environmental or procedural change is required.

Reflection is not a substitute for reporting.

Repairing the relationship

An apology acknowledges the adult’s action without asking the child to reassure or forgive the adult.